On "Reversed Knees" in animals

Here's one thing that's always irritated me in fiction. Lots of people look at the posterior-pointing joint on the rear legs of many vertebrate animals (with the exception of fish and snakes) and think that it's a knee, except reversed.

The result? Whenever humans transform into animals, there's often a description of the knees "reversing" on themselves, forcing the human onto their fours.

With their legs like that, how do they run, I wonder? You need a reliable way to lift and push your leg off and against the ground, and the best way to do that is with a knee.

Take another look at this wolf. See here that there are two joints in the rear limb: a knee and then an ankle. Wolves, and most other quadruped animals, walk on the tips of their toes.

'Kay, technically the ankle is called a hock, but it is homologous the ankle, and isn't that far off in its structure, either. I call it the ankle in the same way I sometimes call the forelimbs "arms".

The real knee? It's far more medial. Most people miss it because the thigh is so short and tucked into the abdomen, so the animal's in a permanent squatting position. The reason why squatting is much more natural for them because they have short thighs and long feet, and their toes are better-suited for supporting weight.

So, in the case of an animal transformation? It's far more probable that the bones of the leg will lengthen and shrink rather than the knees actually reversing, turning into hocks, the tarsals and tibiae/fibulae merging, the femurs splitting into tibiae/fibulae, and two new femurs springing from the hip joints out of nowhere.

And that's just the skeleton. Think of how all the muscles in those regions would have to split or merge to convert themselves into other muscles, and how new muscles for the thigh will also have to spring out of the hip joints from nowhere along with the femurs.

That's a lot of unnecessary work for a shapeshifter to do!

Whenever you describe or draw an animal transformation, it only makes sense that homologous structure matches to homologous structure. Arms turn into wings, be they of a bat or a bird. The coccyx of a human becomes a tail. A part of the human gullet expands to become a bird's crop.

God help you if you're trying to transform into an invertebrate, however, as there are no homologous structures, except maybe in embryonic form. Good luck!

Bringing Beowulf's culture to life

Who were the Geats?

That's what they were called in our (old) tongue: Geatas. Pronounced (Gheah-tas), as only one syllable. In the other tongue (Old Norse), they were probably also called Gauts. Not much is really known about them. Perhaps they were conquered before a less vague historical period?

What we do know is that they were of the old Germanic culture and are akin to Anglo-Saxons, so they probably had their mead-halls, their scops (skalds in the other tongue), and they probably lived on the southern coast of Sweden close to Denmark. They were probably in close kinship with the Danes (or Spear-Danes, at least).

Our knowledge ends there.

Our knowledge ends there, but that's where I begins my theorization. I mean, we do believe in the theory of gravity, right? So let's start with the general time and location:

Based on more dateable events occurring in the story, Beowulf seems to take place in the early 6th century-- early 500's. The place? Southern Sweden. Judging by this map of the spreading infection influence of Christianity in the 6th century,, both Denmark and Southern Sweden were far from being Christianized, and supposedly the Christianization of those cultures did not begin until the 8th.

So Beowulf's Geats? Undoubtedly pagan. No monasteries, no church, no wimples, no nuns, no modest dress codes, no high social standards, no crusades, no bibles, nothing. Just Odin and Freya and friends, and a more freestyle standard of living.

Some people like to argue that Beowulf is at its heart a Christian poem. I disagree and attest that if it was a christian poem, it would have begun in the monastery, and not have as many of the Scandinavian/Norse/whatsit elements of sagas and other Germanic stories as it does, or the pagan funeral and worship practices which were forbidden by the church, and certainly not have the Hwaet at the beginning, which simply shows that Beowulf was originally an oral poem and did not start in the monastery, a possible translation of a similar oral poem that may have circulated in Geatland and Daneland, before finally being written down in the form it is now.

The whole thing with Grendel being Son of Cain or whatever? Christian addition. The part with Grendel being weak to the power of God? Christian. That part where they demonize the native religion and call it devil-worship? Undoubtedly a Christian addition. Granted, the poem's not overly christianized, it's just that if you look at it closely, all of the Christian bits can easily be replaced, so it must have begun pagan. So something else was there, and it's up to us to fill it in.

So anyway, back to Beowulf's Geats. We know their religion, it's just that we don't know what music they danced to, what kind of art they enjoyed, what stories they told, how they dressed, what their rights were as people under a king, whether they had slaves, or how the royalty lived. We don't even know exactly what people they were.

The solution? Mix & match. Cultures in that region and time period tended to be very similar: Anglo-Saxons, Jutes (possibly also Geats?), Danes, Swedes, even the later Vikings, and since we know almost nothing of the Geats anyway, we can use artistic liberties (within reason).

Which is exactly what I decided to do. Most of the research was put into Anglo-Saxons, but Vikings (despite the fact that they came later and were quite different) were also put in the mix, as well as a bit of the Swedish folk culture, as shown by Beowulf playing säckpipa in the drawing above. I also threw in a pinch of my personal taste because of "What little documentation on socks no you gotta wear socks" and also "Noooo I don't care if I can't find a lot of information on it he looks cute with thigh-length hair in a braid".

The result is something that I'm a little worried about shoving under the noses of seasoned historians and gurus on the subject, but wouldn't look out of place at a Pre-Roman Scandinavia Renaissance Faire if there was one.

Beowulf on Steorarume (Beowulf in Cyberspace)

Yes, you can translate "cyberspace" into Old English. After all, the word itself is a kenning of two words, though the part 'cyber' actually comes from a greek word 'kubernan' that means to steer. The translator took the direct analogue of this in Old English 'steor', the direct ancestor of our 'steer', so now it's literally "steer-room". Whatever works, I guess.

Also, on the subject of 'steer', the word 'starboard' does not come from "board on ship that faces the stars" as I originally thought. Rather, it was 'steorbord' as in 'steer-board', "board on which you steer". Funny how what it took me to realize this etymology was not a dictionary but actually learning how to steer in a canoe. (The paddler and I kept getting our lefts and rights confused so I had the paddler call 'starboard' and 'port' instead.)

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was this website, which is called "Beowulf on Steorarume". It's the home to what is probably the best translation of the Beowulf text I have ever seen, with the Old English alongside, just the way I like it. (And it's the only place where it's officially published, too!)

What makes this translation so good? The fact that it's both literal and understandable. Slade tries his best to preserve the syntax of the original text while trying to make it readable. Take a look, for example, at the first few lines, which are in old english:

Hwaet! We gardena || in gear dagum
Theodcyninga || thrym gefrunon
hu tha aethelingas || ellen fremedon.

Which literally means something like:

What! We of the spear-danes || in elder days
of people kings || power have heard
how the athelings || noble deeds have done

Due to the unusual, flexible syntax of the Anglo-Saxon tongue (heavily played with in this poem, the first line being a tricky example) as opposed to the more linear syntax of the modern English tongue, the meaning of the text is not fully retained. "We" (We and the scop) are not Spear-Danes (sadly enough) despite what literal translation of the first line may suggest (the noun case system that determined the context in which 'gardena' was used here is lost in modern English), we have merely heard of them.

Most translators approach this problem by rearranging the elements of the line into the modern syntax, which works fairly well and does not alter the meaning of the line (at least not by much), but sacrifices some of the rhythm and presentation.

Listen! We --of the Spear-Danes || in the days of yore,
of those clan-kings-- || heard of their glory.
how those nobles || performed courageous deeds.

Here in Benjamin Slade's translation, all of the elements retain their original order, with the out-of-place elements being separated from "we" by em-dashes. It's not completely perfect as the sentence sounds broken in Modern English while fluid in the Old English, but it's the closest step towards retaining the Anglo-Saxon poetic structure I have ever seen taken. Many rounds of applause!

The other thing that makes this publication so awesome is the annotations by the editor, which explain the kennings, etymological origins of names, cultural significance of various elements in the story, and pictures of the Sutton Hoo helm, of course (which by this point I'm kind of getting sick of seeing everywhere). I love seeing things like this instead of a (usually unsuccessful attempt) to translate or rework what was said into something the reader could hopefully understand, as it shows me that the translator is realistic about their own limitations, and that they truly care about the work, both translation and original.

The one downside, of course, is how poorly-formatted the page is. I would like to print out a complete text of Beowulf for my own purposes, but this would require endless hours of redoing Slade's terrible tables. The frame-based website is also astonishingly difficult to navigate (it's best to isolate the frame you're reading as the other frames can be distracting)

But none of that can beat the content of the page, of course. Just as with the original poorly-preserved, sparsely decorated, cheap manuscript that brought us Beowulf, the presentation of this translation does nothing to hinder its value.

A Reconstructed Childhood: Nursing Home Runaway

When I was in third grade, my class's teacher had this thing with taking us to a local elderly home around every holiday and having us do little gigs to amuse the elderly folks. I was a naïve little kid back then, so I had no opinion on what I was doing (although sometimes the budding skeptic in me would awaken and wonder, "These songs are silly. If they don't entertain me, how do they entertain the elderly?"), but now that I look back, I'm a little offended at the fact that my teacher thought we were a free source of entertainment because we were cute little children who would do whatever our teacher told us to do.

But that's besides the point. What stuck out to me most about this experience was hearing about what happened to one of the elderly a week after our first visit. My memory of what was actually told is very fuzzy and it's possible that what I imagined happened is completely different from what actually happened.

So it turned out one of the women left the nursing home. I distinctly imagined this as a rather rotund old lady rushing out of the nursing home in a black flowery dress, with half the nursing staff rushing after her, shouting at her to stop and go back. Despite her age, the old woman outran the staff, escaped the parking lot, and disappeared down a street.

It was an amusing little image, of course, but as I was at an age when the impossible was probable and strange was normal, I believed my imagination to the last word despite the incident's implausibility.

In my head, I was cheering for that lady. You go, girl! I thought, You show them!

"She did not have to be there anymore," said my teacher.

She never belonged there, I thought, never wanted to be there.

I cheered that old lady on as she charged down that side walk on her bare feet, panting, sweat beading on her red face. I applauded her as she turned round the bend and finally returned to her home, to her family, who for all this time had patiently been awaiting her return.

Let's read William Golding's LORD OF THE FLIES: Intro

I have never read Lord of the Flies before, not even in school.

I was actually intending on reading this while I was out in the woods with Outward Bound (funnily enough), but I wasn't allowed to take the book with me since I won't have the time to read.

All I know about this story is that a bunch of schoolboys crash-land on a deserted island, and end up forming their own little disturbing society. There are no girls, and this severely upsets a friend of mine, who apparently would rather have a flat useless token girl who died on the plane than no girls at all.

I am imagining a utopia/dystopia-type story that explores the nature of a small, new, isolated society, and the effects an anarchistic lifestyle can have on it.

So here goes.

~*~

Ah, yes! What exactly is a Let's Read?

It's an idea I got from Let's Play videos on youtube, in which the makers of the videos play a videogame and reflect on it. It is the same deal here, except that I will be reflecting on the book as I finish each chapter.

FAQ (for teenagers, especially those living in my town)

Q: What are you talking about?
A: If you were listening (not that you were), you would know. If you don't understand something I'm saying, ask a more specific question.

Q: I don't get a word you're saying. This makes me better than you, right?
A: Absolutely not. Nobody's allowed to be better than me without my explicit permission. I also don't see the logic in how you can be better than me if I can understand you but you can't understand me.

Q: Wait, what?
A: If you were listening, you would have got that.

Q: Why do you cut your hair so short
A: Because that's how I like it. Why do you wear your hair the way you do?

Q: Is it okay for me quote something you said to somebody else as a way of making fun of you because what you said is funny to me because I don't want to take the extra effort to get it?
A: No, it is not okay. I am not the kid who said that Halo was a pretty cool guy who doesn't afraid of anything.

Q: Wait why did you call him Halo his name is Master Chief
A: If you were paying attention, you would have noticed that I was repeating someone else's words.

Q: I notice you are making rhythmic movements with your body while listening to music. What are you doing and why are you doing that?
A: I am dancing, asshole. What else do you do to music?

Q: Are you a lesbian?
A: No, I'm straight. But it's okay, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Q: Why don't you talk to people a lot?
A: Have you seen the way people talk to me? Hey, if you genuinely want to talk to me, that's awesome. All you have to do is be nice and stop trying to find ways to make me look like an idiot.

Q: You said something strange, amusing and intriguing about yourself. May my many friends and I all inquire you at once about it?
A: I'll be happy to answer questions about it as long as you all calm down and let me explain. Note that I am a normal human being and not an enigma, so treat me as such.

Q: You have asked me politely to please stop cracking my gum loudly. Is it okay if I continue doing it?
A: If you don't mind me doing violent things to you, go ahead.

Q: You exist. Can I throw stuff at you?
A: There is something inherently wrong with you.

EAT LESS FOOD

And now for some random advice:

EAT LESS FOOD.

It's something that the inflated American-Canadian food industry (which is topped by the same few monopolists over and over) doesn't want you to know is good for you since they can't profit off of that information.

(Did you know that cigarette companies also have a big hand in the food industry? One of the food industry biggies is actually Phillip Morris. This is because tobacco is becoming more and more of a niche industry, so all the smart companies knew to invest in the massive and highly profitable food industry which can never become niche.)

Ever noticed why food pyramid posters always say to "choose" certain types of food? That's because the food industry won't let the government & related committees use the simple "eat less of this" wording on the posters.

The simple truth is that eating less altogether, especially meat, is extremely beneficial to your health. You should only eat as much food as is necessary to sustain you and your kind of lifestyle. If you live an active lifestyle, obviously you need more food, but if you're not active, then you don't need as much food.

Oh, and don't worry about your weight, and especially not your BMI. Some people naturally have more fat tissue than others (your amount of fat cells rarely changes during your lifetime), so the real goal is to just don't let whatever fat tissue you have get engorged with lipids to the point where it's starting to get ridiculous. People also have varying amounts of muscle tissue which adds greatly to your weight since muscle is denser than fat.