How to not handle your gum like a douchebag

1. While chewing your gum, please do so discreetly.
   • This means not chewing with your mouth open. When one chews with his mouth open, others can clearly hear the chewing sounds being made, and clearly see the gum wad lolling around in the mouth, which is absolutely disgusting. Correct this habit.
   • Under no circumstances should you be popping, snapping, cracking or playing with your gum in the presence of others. It is extremely annoying. Anyone who cracks their gum repeatedly will be physically assaulted. That shit is LOUD and fucking disgusting.
   • A good rule of thumb is to imagine that your mean old teacher from elementary school who hated gum is present in the room and right next to you. Try to chew your gum in such a way that your teacher wouldn't notice.
2. After you have finished with your gum, please dispose of it in an environment-friendly manner.
   • Britain is forced to spend £150 million on removing gum from pavements, as chewing gum is non-biodegradable (it is rubber!) and will not be cleaned by normal means, and I'm sure the cost in the US is no different. You've seen the nasty little black and grey spots on the pavement--that is gum! That shit gets stuck to people's shoes, it soils the look of perfectly good pavement, and animals get hurt from trying to eat it (chewing gum is a human creation, it's only natural that animals don't understand it). Chewing gum is banned in Singapore for this very reason.
   • Underneath a counter top is also not an acceptable place to leave your gum. Don't think nobody notices.
   • In Six Flags New England, I once saw a little chicken wire-covered roof (also blocked off from the stairs I was on by fencing) that was completely covered in globs of ABC gum. I was almost about to be sick. Please don't throw gum somewhere just because you see other gum there! You only add to the problem!
   • Chewing gum does not decompose. If it gets stuck somewhere, it will be there forever until someone (hopefully the asshole who put it there) removes it.
   • Please dispose of your gum in an appropriate trash receptacle. If a trash receptacle is nowhere to be found, keep that shit in your mouth until you find one or swallow it. And no, it will NOT stay in your stomach for ten years or five years or even one, that is an old wives' tale. No, it will simply pass through your digestive system and out of your anus like anything else you swallow. The only difference is that it won't be broken down because it's not bio-degradable.